Day 1 to Day 4

Wednesday 22nd April I woke this morning with a huge clot and membrane loss. Very sore uterus on the left side AGAIN. Did go see Noah and rang instead and he has done really well over night. Didn’t need any help at all and had had 1ml of colostrum and tolerated it. Discussion was he was doing so well he could leave NICU and go to SCU. I was so proud Cookie and Nan brought in Rachel and Jacob. Rachel loved seeing Noah and talked to him and touched him and was in ore. Jake was scared of all the noise and lights and was grumpy. Can see he is going to have issues with the chance. Nan and cookies were happy to see Noah and have a touch. This afternoon am feeling very very sore in the uterus. Saw doctor who doesn’t believe me there is something wrong and I am angry about that. Psych came and upped my meds so I can feel less scared and jittery. Don’t feel like anymore visitor so keeping quite this Avro. Am hoping to have a cuddle and get on the breast pump to get milk going. I called Katie who reassured me about my uterus and getting gyny from LMHS to review me. Aaron went in to ICU at midnight and spent 3 hours with Noah he got his first hold and do his cares. So now we have both had a cuddle and got to change his nappy, clean him up and check his obs. We also got to feed him.

Thursday 23/4/09-

James and Sarah gave birth to a beautiful baby girl today 6lb10oz by c section names Hannah Louise. We haven’t really heard much but I know she is much smaller than mum and dad had anticipated. This morning Noah was not quite right. I got a small cuddle and did his cares. The cuddle really got my milk going and I was able to express lots. I sat on my chest sucking at my skin felt so nice. He loves to suck and his dummy is well used. Is nice for me to know should mean he loves boobs too. This afternoon I had a sleep uterus is very sore still. We went down after dinner to see Noah. He had seen the doctor and was having troubles breathing. He was put in the machine to help the air get into his lungs. He also had cuts like blisters but more rash like on his lips and down his body. They presume it might be a reaction to the antibiotics so they have changed them. They have sent some bloods off to make sure it isn’t an infection or virus but we wont know the results till the morning. Was very disheartening to see my boy sick and very sad we couldn’t hold him and maybe wont be able to for a few days when he is well again. This weight has dropped since birth but were hoping tonight it will go up and his EBM feeds have gone up to 3ml/ 2hour which is good so means his TPN can go down. He has also started a high lipids (fat) solution IV so help him put on weight. I think he should have had a weight gain by now cause they are really pushing him. Has left me feeling very lonely and lost tonight. I have been expressing every 4 hours and my nipples are aching like anything is hard to be motivated when I have no baby with me.

Fri 24th April Think I have the 3rd day blues today. Went down to see Noah at 9 and wasn’t allowed in as ward rounds came back at 1030 and was informed he didn’t have a good night. Had to put up the pressure and oxygen. He also was found to be restless and flinching every couple of hours so is now on a muscle relaxant. His bilirubin is not decreasing as fast as they would like to due to have another light put on today. His snot is still green and he is very bubbly in the mouth so is having a chest x-ray today to see what is happening. I wasn’t allowed to hold him today. Not sure if it is just the same nurse who says no or if he really is too sick. In the back of my mind I want to be angry at her for saying no instead of being angry at the situation that he is too unwell. All discussions of movement to SCBU have stopped as he needs to be in NICU. I have been able to express about 50ml from each breast using the pump. I am finding it very hard seeing everyone else’s babies and not mine. I feel so guilty it is my fault. If I had been better behaved in pregnancy and done everything proper maybe I would have been healthier mentally and physically. Psych came in today discharge is Monday at the earliest. I expect a break down sooner than later. Breakdown hit was horrid

Saturday 25th April Slept in today. Went down to NICU to see Noah. He had a good night with breathing and was taking off the machine. His weight had gone down 30grams again and is now 1.210kg they have upped him fat lipids and TPN as he had a vomit over night and had lots of bile in his stomach. His milk volume was dropped again from 6ml – 2ml per 2/hours. He had to fast fir 6 hours and then had a feed which did go down fine. He is off the lights now as bilirubin is down. With that he went really cold and needed heating up. He had on a little outfit (red and hearts) and was wearing his hat and had so many blankets on. I was not allowed to put my hands in was letting in cold air. That really made me feel so distant from him. But I understand he needs his time. After lunch Karen and Keeley came in to meet him. Keeley spent lots of time sitting with her hands stroking his arms. She was quite impressed with her brother. Karen got to have a touch too and spend some time with him. Were hoping to go down at 930 for some more time together and hopefully he is well enough to come out.