Time to cry for mums

“I lay in bed at night wondering if she is settled and peaceful, is she calm or is she agitated, does she need her mummy or daddy and instead of peeping in her cradle which is all set up next to my bed, I have to call a nurse and ask.” -

Pincushion xoxo

I just read a blog from another mum who has premmie and it was word for word speaking how I fell that I am not a mum all I do for my child is make milk and I know that is an important thing but isn’t a full time mum position. I guess it hurts as well now Rachel and Jacobs dad is back and doing fortnightly weekend care and has had them more lately I feel like my other kids are being taken off me. I need to be there for them and I cant I have no time or energy cause I put so much into Noah. But when I assess my day I sit and look at him, make milk and being exhausted with the house. I want my kids home all of them! I want to be a family and not feel so alone. I don’t want Jake to be struggling and I don’t want Rachel to be delicate and I don’t want Noah to be in hospital and not with me. I am failing as a mother in so many ways for all the kids. I hurt so much inside like my heart has been ripped out and set out for everyone else to spit on. I guess the worse bit is feeling so alone. Aaron doesn’t have these issues he just plots on. I see the other mum and they talk about crying and being sad but it all seems so cloudy and fake like I don’t have the same emotions. I am sad my son isn’t with me but I am more heart broken I have failed in every way of his being. I couldn’t even carry him properly- and to top It off I am guilty I mentally feel better he is out. What do I do? I feel guilty for putting him in some box for him to be alone – NO baby should be alone! No baby should be without there mummy and I sit here alone without any of my babies!

Day 17- Hit Birth Weight

DAY 17

Friday 8th May Noah hit birth weight today he put on 5grams last night making him exactly 1450grams am so happy. They think he put on so little due to all the poos her had but I am so proud. I took Tess and Sarah and Rachel in this morning but he had just been fed so Tess only got a small cuddle. The nurse was a bit mean saying we couldn’t hold him but such is life. He is still temping at 37 degrees so cot is fine for him and has settled well into it. Hopefully will go in tonight for some boobie trials. Hope he likes it and makes it work.

COUNT DOWN ESTIMATE

Birth weight is hit – achieved 8/5/09 14450grams 17 days old

Open cot – achieved 7/5/09 1445grams 16days old

32weeks + 5 days corrected by 28/6/09

33+6 according to Hosp corrected

Day 16- In an open cot!!!

DAY 16- A Good Day for Noah and Us

Thursday 7th May Day 16 and my baby boy put on 30 grams over night making him 5grams off his birth weight. He had great 20 ml per 2 hour feeds over night and only a small spill in the early hours and nothing since. He has done a poo every 30 minutes thought and bowels are working well and stink. He peed all over the nurse twice and is wearing a cute little outfit. Today the doctors took bloods which I had a peek at and some results don’t look that good but will wait to see what they say as I really have no idea with paed bloods. The doctor also said cause of his temperature being stable and high he can go into a open cot and be wrapped which will help his reflux. I was so proud to move him over and wrap him up and put him in clothes. He is the smallest baby by 500 grams to go into the cot for SCBU1 so look very funny to see him in there compared to the other babies.

COUNT DOWN ESTIMATE

5 grams to go till birth weight is hit

he can go into a cot – achieved 7/5/09 1445grams 16days old

32weeks + 4 days corrected by 28/6/09

33+5 according to Hosp corrected

Day 15- getting better

Wednesday 6th may Noah put on 25 grams last night = 1415 grams. Thickener working well and he is holding down foods. He is going on sliding scale feeds then onto 2 hourly tomorrow. We are hoping all goes well. He is due for a blood test in the morning as they want to check for infections as his temp still up but I am sure it is hereditary. Might be able to go into an open cot sooner. Am really holding my breath today is the start of a run of good days. I need some good days to keep me going. I met with a friend from EB today (Kimberlee) she gave Noah such stunning presents and had a good hold.

COUNT DOWN ESTIMATE

35 grams to go till birth weight

385 grams till 1.8 kilo and he can go into a cot

32weeks + 3 days corrected by 28/6/09

33+4 according to Hosp corrected

ACOCP - Thanks Helen

ACOCP PHOTOS

A special thank you to Kimberlee for organizing me a free photographer session to get some pics of Noah. Helen Roberts http://www.helenrobertsphotography.com/ took these photos and they are wonderful, priceless photos of our baby boy at 6 days old in NICU.